Well it's been a while since I created this blog and posted anything on it.
Well things since then has not improved but well it has gone to be much more worse.
I thing I'm suffering from chronic depression and have been for the last 4 years I haven't had any help and things are going real bad.
Well for starters I have no company whatsoever no friends nobody, nobody likes to be around me or even talk to me.
My family knows nothing about this I know that if I tell them they won't support me because I've tried to tell them a bit and all I get it is "these things don't matter just study and get a job"
Now how do I tell them that it does matter I'm a human as well I can't be alone all the time like I've been for the past few years
I have like two good friends but they live too far off and we bearly talk we talk like once in a month and so.
I'm 21 at the moment I seriously don't know what I've done to offend people that has effected me in every way possible.
I've even tried to kill myself on a couple of occasions but was saved.
I've never been in a relationship while all others with me are in one and I've become a third wheel for every single one of them.
The only problem I think is that emotionally really weak and trust people very easily. That has been one of the major factor for the traumatising events happened with me. (Apart from depression)
Like for example I've lived one girl for like quite a long time for more than 6 years to say I've done everything and anything possible to just be friends with her and when I expressed my feelings she dismissed me like I was nothing.
I know for a fact that she was not into me but the way she disavowed me and treated me was not right but I never said a word to her and just faded into the background.
This all being lonely and depressed have started to effect my grades a lot and most of all my health and living.
I've lost too much weight and I can't even sleep at night and when I do is for like an hour or so and have nightmares.
Nowadays I've become a zombie
All I do is get up get ready go to college stay in the corner and once its finish come home and lock myself and cry myself to sleep or just stay in the games I play and try to find solace there.
I someone don't even speak a word from my mouth for days.
I only eat once in the whole day and have started taking medication.
The ways to deal with this I find online I've tried them all
Tried meeting new people
Being good for them
Perusing a hobby, I don't feel joy in any things I used to love
Tried doing new things and other stuff.
Now the only way I thing this will be over is
If I kill myself or just run far away from here and to a place nobody knows me and maybe I can start over.
I know this is not a way to say these things but I can't seem to find anyone to say this to so I'm posting it here and I just have to let it out of me.
Even now as I'm writing it I can't so crying I guess that's the only things that I can do now..
